Bringing the Heart of a Child to the Heart of the Savior (Ephesians 6:1-4)
Bringing the Heart of a Child to the Heart of the Savior
Ephesians 6:1-4
Why Command Children in a Letter to the Church?
I want to begin by considering a theological question. Why does Paul address the children of the church in the same way has he does adults? Does this mean that Paul sees children as members of the church? We would answer that question with “it depends whether they demonstrate repentant faith.” The possession of the Spirit, as evidenced by repentant faith and subsequent baptism, is the prerequisite for membership. If a child demonstrates repentant faith through baptism, then they are part of the church.
But children are not members of the church by birth. Children of God are born “not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God” (John 1:13). No person is a Christian because their parents were. Attending church as a child because your parents believe doesn’t make a child saved any more than sitting in your garage makes you a Ferrari.
To be saved is to have a share in the New Covenant by the Spirit. It is to have your heart of stone taken out and replaced with a heart of flesh. But the fact that the New Covenant deals in terms of the heart makes it an individually given covenant. No group can corporately enter the New Covenant without each and every individual entering the covenant.
Therefore, if a husband believes but a wife doesn’t, the husband is saved, has repentant faith, and can be a member of the church after or through baptism. But the wife cannot. Why? Because the husband possesses the Spirit while the wife does not.
In the same way, if parents believe but their children do not, then the parents are saved, demonstrate repentant faith, and can be members of the church after or through baptism. But the children cannot. Why? Because the parents possess the Spirit while the children do not.
This necessarily precludes infant baptism. Why? Because inclusion in the New Covenant, possessing the Spirit of God, demonstrating repentant faith, being baptized, and membership in a local church are all meant to come as a package. That’s the pattern you see all throughout Acts. Baptism says, “I am part of Christ’s body because I have the spirit and have repented and believed and am part of the New Covenant.” If someone does not possess the Spirit of God, does not repent and believe, then they are not part of the New Covenant. And if they are not part of the New Covenant, they cannot be a part of the New Covenant community (the church). And if they cannot be part of the church, they should not receive the sign that says, “I’m part of the church.” Hence infants cannot be baptized.
So then, why does Paul talk to children like they’re part of the church? The answer is twofold. First, they might be, if they have repented and believed. Second, if they are not then those children possess the privilege of proximity to truth. Children of believing parents have special exposure to gospel light.
1 Corinthians 7:14: “The unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” They are holy, not in a saving sense (7:16), nor in the sense that they are members of the church (b/c they are not saved). Rather, Paul’s point is that they have have privileged access to gospel truth by virtue of their relationship to their believing family member. In that sense, they are “set apart.” The light of the gospel illuminates the whole family, even if not all in the family believe.
Children of believing parents are wards of the church, thus the church may call those children to fulfill their duties toward their parents. Children are in the primary charge of their parents. They are ambassadors for Christ in the home. But, if the parents are members, children are also in the secondary charge of the church as the church comes alongside parents. Which means that there are two thick layers of influence bearing upon a child’s spiritual nurture: the home and the church. And it is the responsibility of both the parents and the church to teach children to obey and honor their parents and to nurture them toward saving faith.
Which tells us the goal of both parents and the church which comes alongside them. As one man elegantly said, the goal of parenting is to lead the heart of the child to the heart of the Savior. By teaching children to obey and honor their parents, and by nurturing them toward saving faith, we all together point them to Jesus and lead them to the Savior where we pray they will repent of their sins and trust in Christ.
This text demonstrates two facets of this task that lead the heart of the child to the heart of the shepherd: 1. Children must be taught to obey their parents. 2. Parents must nourish their children toward spiritual life.
I. Children Must Be Taught to Obey Their Parents (6:1-3)
The first aspect of the redeemed household is that children must obey their parents. That is the command: “Children, obey your parents.”
Children must be taught to obey. They do not obey naturally. They do not want to obey. That is because they come out as sinners, rebellious against God’s authority and therefore against the authority which God has established in their lives. Yet, simply because they are not inclined to obey does not mean they get off scott free.
They must be taught to obey their God-given authorities. This begins with the parents in the home. Parents must teach children to obey them. All parents should expect that their children will do as they are told, and should aid them by training them to do as they are told with patient instruction and discipline.
They must be taught to obey both their father and their mother. It is easier to disobey mom, not only because she tends to be more sympathetic, but also because the fatherly authority is more difficult to openly rebel against. So, in the Feland household, one of our three household rules is that you don’t sass mommy. Why? Because that teaches the children that mommy’s authority is daddy’s authority. Mom wields daddy. They are one in their position over them, and the children must be taught to obey not only dad but also mom.
Children must obey their parents “in the Lord.” That does not mean that the child is “in the Lord,” that they are saved. That is, they must obey their parents because it is what the Lord Jesus Christ wants them to do. This means that parents must lead their children to understand that the reason they obey is because Jesus wants them to obey.
Children are also to obey because it is “right.” What does that mean? It is the way God wants it. It is how he created it in the beginning, how it would have been if Adam and Eve had children before the fall, and how it ought to be within the society of the redeemed. It is the right thing to do to obey. It is a perfectly acceptable reason when a child asks “why” to say, “Because it’s right for you to obey me. Jesus wants it that way.” Or, “Because I said so.”
Yet external conformity to rules is not necessarily obedience. Obedience only counts when it is done with honor. This is why Paul cites the fifth commandment. In fact, it is one of the most important aspects of bringing a child to the Lord. God instituted the family, which means God created parental authority and gives it to the child as a gracious gift. Then, God tells children to honor their parents for two fundamental reasons. First of all, learning to obey and honor parents is a necessary part of experiencing God’s blessing in this world. On a physical level, rebellious children do not normally experience “well-being.” Second, learning to obey and honor your parents is learning how to obey and honor God. Why? Because God says to obey and honor your parents. Parents are a model for obedience to God. “If you don’t obey me, you will never obey God.”
Honor goes beyond obedience. Or, better yet, honor lies at the heart of obedience. Obedience without honor is just cold compliance. Yet, honor without obedience is empty and meaningless. The body of obedience must be joined with the soul of honor to make a living being. How do you honor your parents? For the children among us, whether young or adults, we might say:
· We honor our parents by how we speak to them. Children should be taught to speak respectfully and calmly to their parents.
· Children honor parents when they “revere” them (Lev 19:3).
· Children honor their parents in their facial expressions. Proverbs 30:17 speaks about the “eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother.” Children, even the way that you look at your parents can tell you whether or not your obeying and honoring them.
· Children show great honor to their parents when they listen to and receive their advice. Proverbs 23:22 – “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” The most common mistake children and young people make is to assume that old people don’t know what they’re talking about. This is especially true with new parents: I have repeatedly seen new parents turn more quickly to the internet than their own mother and father. That doesn’t mean that mother and father are right, but they are a ready source of loving help and wisdom.
Paul says that this is the commandment, and that it is the first commandment with a promise.
Must parents require obedience from their children all their lives? No. The command to obey them fades with time. When does that happen? The Bible never says specifically. There comes a point in every son or daughter’s life where they are no longer under the authority of their parents. At some point, the nature of the child’s relationship to their parents shifts away from one of obedience, and from the parent’s side away from command. This shift is gradual. Over time parents command less and less while they counsel more and more. And over time children think of their relationship to their parents less in terms of obedience and more in terms of showing honor. A certain break happens at marriage—he leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife.
Children, no matter their age, are to honor their parents. I, even today, must honor my parents. Mark 7. Adult children are not required to obey their parents, but they are required to honor them.
But adult children do not honor their parents if they are not taught to obey before they are adults. Obedience precedes honor. Many adult children do not honor their parents because they were never taught to obey when they were younger. Parents, if you want your kids to respect you when you are older, discipline them now so they learn to obey. We must teach obedience when they are young. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov 22:6). We can train them to hear our advice, or to spit in our eye.
Application:
· Children, you must obey your parents. God expects you to obey them. It may not always be fun to obey them, but it is always good. Even if you don’t understand why they tell you to do what they do, you still need to obey. When you do this, you are learning an important lesson about obeying God. In fact, you will never obey God if you do not learn to obey your parents.
· Parents, teach your children to obey and honor you. Are you teaching your children by how you teach and discipline the them that God expects them to obey you? You must teach them to obey. That is part of your responsibility before the Lord. Which means that every time disobedience occurs, it must be corrected. If you don’t correct disobedience, you train the child to disobey you. What does it mean to obey? Here is an easy paradigm. Obedience means three things: it happens right away, it happens all the way, and it happens with a happy heart. Anything less than that is disobedience.
You might think: “If I do that, I’ll do nothing but discipline my kids!” But you will be surprised at how responsive your kids will become when you implement these standards consistently for more than a week. By faithfully doing this, we train our children to obey us the first time we say (rather than procrastinating), to obey the whole command we have given (rather than picking and choosing), and to do it happily (rather than grumbling). And by doing this, you serve them because one day they will treat God that way.
· Church, parents always retain primary responsibility and authority over their children. But you have a secondary charge to always point the children among you back to the authority of their parents. By so doing, we teach them to obey God. So, are we as a church shepherding all the children among us in this direction? Do we gently point them back to the authority of their parents as a community which expects that they obey them? And by so doing, do we as a church teach children that obedience to their parents is not optional but commanded by God?
Transition: It is tempting to stop there with the requirement of children to obey. But they must be taught to obey. How are they to be taught this? And so, Paul adds verse 4, the responsibility of parents.
II. Parents Must Nourish their Children toward Spiritual Life (6:4)
The second aspect of the redeemed household is that parents must nourish their children toward spiritual life. Through discipline and instruction, we nurture a child and lead his heart to the Savior’s. It is the greatest desire of every believing parent to see their child come to repentant faith. Certainly the Lord has not given our children to us for the purpose of merely raising them to be good US citizens. That’s why Paul’s emphasis throughout has been on the Lord. Children obey “in the Lord.” God promises blessing to those who obey him which goes beyond mere physical blessing. Parents are to bring their children up in the “instruction of the Lord.”
This is vital. What is the goal of parenting? What are we aiming at? The goal of parenting is not to save our children. Nor is it to produce a perfectly behaved child. Our goal is not to conform their behavior. It isn’t to have a perfectly peaceful and quiet home. It isn’t to make life easier for ourselves. Our goal is to till the soil of their hearts so that they would receive the gospel. We cannot save our children, but we can work to predispose them to receive the gospel when we train them in the fear and admonition of the Lord. In other words, we can create an environment in which, humanly speaking, it is easier to receive the gospel.
But there is a temptation in leading them to this end, so Paul begins with an admonition: Do not exasperate them. What does that mean? Do not provoke them to anger. Do not treat them in such a way that produces frustration, anger, resentment, bitterness, or depression. There is a way of parenting children which, though it does everything “right,” produces a child that obeys while resenting obedience. We can raise our children to be like pressure cookers—they come to church, look nice on the outside, obey all the rules, but on the inside they are only building up bitterness and rebellion and anger. Then, when they are no longer under their parents’ thumb, it explodes in a torrent of rebellion and anger. The manner of our parenting is just as important as the matter.
What are some common ways that we exasperate our children?
· Overprotection. “I’ll never let anything happen to you. Never allow anything to taint your little mind. Never allow any non-christian to talk to you.” Extreme caution. Sheltering. Holding back from normal childhood activities. Fundamentally, overprotection is a lack of trust in God manifested by never allowing the child to take risks necessary for them to grow.
· Overindulgence. Permissive parenting exasperates children. Leniency in wielding parental authority teaches children that obedience is only optional. Parents with no expectations produce children without standards. Be too lenient and the child will not know where the line is, will know if they are doing the right thing. Family structures and expectations produce identity and purpose in a child. It is a loving thing to provide and enforce them.
· Excessive or erratic discipline. Harsh, inconsistent, or purposeless discipline ends up intimidating their children into cowering submission. Some parents never show any grace, any patience, and never show any sympathy. Others have rules but never enforce them with consistency, and so never know when mom and dad will lash out at them. Thereby they learn that God is a harsh father who only seeks to punish us for what we do wrong. It also teaches them that proper behavior is ultimate, not honor. Firm and strict parenting is good. Harsh parenting is bad.
· Favoritism. Do you want to exasperate your child? Give them the impression that you like one of their siblings better than them. Perhaps Joseph’s brothers would not have tried to kill him had Isaac been wiser. We must resist the temptation to give special gifts or excessive attention to only one of our kids. We must resist the temptation to compare our children with each other or to gravitate toward the children that take more after us than our spouse or to avoid more difficult children in favor of the compliant ones.
· Achievement orientation. Always on time, perfectly dressed, perfectly courteous. Perfect manners. Straight A’s. Good friends. Never do anything wrong. But these unrealistic expectations can be like sandpaper that grate away at the skin. We must learn how to be flexible when we need to be and expect much where we should. This breeds exasperation by teaching the child a standard of righteousness they will never be able to achieve or maintain. It teaches them a cold form of religion based on self-righteousness.
· Neglect. Sometimes, we don’t spend enough time. Fathers are always at work or always at their hobbies. Mothers are always too busy or discontent with their calling to the home and so they don’t simply sit and play happily. Or, in another form, we neglect to really understand who our children are and what they need. Every child is different, with different idols, challenges, personalities, talents, hopes, plans, friends.
Rather than embittering them, we are to nurture them. What does that mean? Nourish them. Feed them spiritually. Provide for the shaping of their hearts. And we do that in two ways: training and instruction.
First, parenting is training.
· We also train our children through the example that we set in our own holiness. Example is the sine qua non of leadership. We lead how we are. One of the strongest aspects of my coming to Christ was the example that my parents set of being at church faithfully, as well as the daily bible reading that I knew my grandparents did. They trained me by taking me to church every week. The strongest aspect of your training is what you do day in day out. You can teach them the right things all day, but if they see you doing something else they will throw it all away.
· Parents provide guidance for what it means to live responsibly. We teach them consistently and faithfully over time, not only the basic skills of life but also the things of the Lord. This is Deuteronomy 6: we talk about them when we go out and come in, when we get up and when we go to bed, when we are at rest or at work. We talk about the things of the Lord. What do you talk about at the dinner table? What is the natural subject of conversation? One of the most important aspects of this is Bible memory: “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word” (Ps 119:9). “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you” (Ps 119:11). Furthermore, we also ensure that our children are part of a church where the lessons they are teaching in the home are reenforced by a church family of which they are regularly a part.
· We also train our children through the rhythms, routines, structures, and expectations we set up for our families. The daily routines of work and rest, bible reading and prayer, family and individual time all train children. The weekly routines of church on Sundays, work throughout the week, church on Wednesdays, rest on Saturdays train children about how to honor God. The monthly and yearly patterns of family gatherings, vacations, holidays, and all the other elements of life train children.
· We also train them through our use of the rod. Discipline is a necessary part of parenting. In fact, corporal discipline is a necessary part of parenting. Just a few snippets from Proverbs to this effect:
· Proverbs 13:45 – “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
· Proverbs 19:18 – “Discipline your son for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.”
· Proverbs 22:15 – “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, and the rod will drive it far from him.”
· Proverbs 23:13-14 – “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with the rod he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.”
· Proverbs 29:15 – “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
· Proverbs 29:17 – “Discipline your son and he will give you rest, he will give delight to your heart.”
Do not listen to those voices in the world which would tell you that spanking is the same as “hitting, beating, or abusing.” It is not. Yes, the rod refers to more than corporal discipline, but Solomon would not have used it as the metaphor for discipline if he didn’t understand it to be necessary. Yes, the rod can be turned into an instrument of anger, and it should not, but the abuse of a principle is not an argument against it. God expects that parents will use the rod to discipline their children as a normal form of discipline.
So, an encouragement to you: Do you have a clear set of household expectations? If you do, would your kids be able to tell me what they are if I asked them? What are the structures, the trellises, the routines that you have in your life right now? Are they purposeful, or have they taken on a life of their own? Do you need to reign any of them in? Do those routines and structures serve to shepherd your children toward saving faith, or do they frustrate them? Do you use the rod to reinforce this training when those household expectations are not met?
Second, parenting is not only training but instruction. That is, admonition, literally “putting in the mind.” Reminding, conversing, asking leading questions, going over basic truths and household expectations repetitively. This is instruction. We are constantly putting not only our household rules but also the truths of the Lord into their minds.
· We must work to warn our children against behaviors that will prove destructive to their souls. Read the first nine chapters of proverbs, and this is most of what King Solomon does with his boys.
o We must warn them against legalism—that being truly pleasing to God and a blessing to others is solely a matter of the external behavior.
o We must warn them against license—that life consists primarily in your “freedom” to do whatever you please, that they are autonomous.
o We must warn them against laziness. Proverbs 13:4, “The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.”
o We must warn them against sexual sin—especially in an age where pornography dominates. It is not a matter of when they will be exposed to pornography, but what they will do when they are. You are the one who prepares them for that.
o We must warn them from having bad friends. 1 Cor 15:33, “Bad company ruins good morals.”
o We must warn them against the love of money, possessions, and greediness. Proverbs 15:16, “Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble with it.”
o We must warn them against vanity. 1 Peter 3:3, “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.”
o We must warn them against the dangers lurking in their own heart. The heart is easily ensnared with many dangers. Many attitudes, beliefs, practices, thoughts, or emotions can become destructive to a child’s soul. We must warn them against these things.
· We must nurture habits of disciplined living. We must not only teach them how they should not live but also how they should live.
o We must teach them self-control. For little boys, this is seen first in how they use their bodies. For little girls, this is seen first in how the express their emotions. Teach them to control themselves.
o We must teach them to be thoughtful about life. They must think about what they do before they do it. The old King James, Proverbs 23:7, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” If our children do not think at all, they will never be much of anything.
o We must teach them to work hard. Kids usually don’t work hard. They have to learn it!
o We must teach them to be generous. This is why siblings are so good for children. Joleen Perdue: “The best gift you can give to a firstborn is a secondborn.”
o Humility. Teach them to be humble, to think of themselves as they truly are, not as the sorry soul with an inflated self-evaluation that attempts to sin on American Idol and only ends up proving that their parents never told them that they weren’t good at something.
· But we must also instruct them in the things of the Lord.
o Read the Bible with them daily. Let your love of Scripture bleed over into their hearts. Bible story books, or just straight up Bible.
o Foster a family culture where it is normal and pleasant to talk about the things of the Lord.
o Bring them to Sunday School faithfully so that they receive training from other adults in the things that you are attempting to teach them at home. Let the church serve you and them in this way.
o Lead them to memorize Scripture. They will not choose to do this themselves! Scripture memory sticks with kids for a lifetime.
o Lead them to serve in the church. Invite your kids to serve alongside you in ways appropriate to them and happily sacrifice your time and energy in the church. They will notice and want to imitate.
Conclusion
This is the redeemed family. A strong marriage bond patterned after Christ’s love for his church. A husband who lovingly leads his wife and a wife who willingly submits to and respects her husband. They together produce offspring. Then, while they have their children with them, which is not for long, they teach their children to obey and honor them by nurturing them in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. Then, one day, they release them to do the same themselves.