The Redeemed Family (Ephesians 6:1-4)
The Redeemed Family
Ephesians 6:1-4
The Dismemberment of the Family
We have all witnessed the rapid deterioration of the family. In my studies for this sermon, I came across a sermon by John MacArthur from 1996—that’s 30 years ago now. In it, he read a quote from a book which I reproduce for you now:
“First the quality of family life will continue to deteriorate, producing a society with a higher incidence of mental illness than ever before. 95 percent of our hospital beds maybe taken up by mentally ill patients. This illness will be characterized by a lack of self-control. We can expect the assassination of people in authority to be frequent occurrences. Crimes of violence will increase, even those within the family. The suicide rate will rise, as sexuality becomes more and more unlimited and separated from family and emotional commitment, the deadening effect will cause more bizarre experimentation and widespread perversion.”
Almost prophetic. Since then we have witnessed the continuing assault on the family. It began with separating marriage, sex, and children. God had always designed these to go together, but our society for decades now has systematically attempted to rip them apart.
Marriage is held in derision. It is either viewed as an inconvenience to my personal ambition at best or at worst as an evil institution designed for the subjugation of women. Where it is entered into, it is always with great caution and rarely with a sense of permanence, treated more as a contract than as the permanent covenant that it is. The twisting of marriage roles is part of this as well, where men and women, husbands and wives, are basically seen as interchangeable. The perception that most people have of marriage is that it is a prison where one is eternally attached to a “ball and chain,” confined to boring sex and stale conversation with the same person for decades on end, statistically destined to failure and misery. So, marriage is not sought after by young people. Today, people get married on average at the age of 30, compared to 1950 when people on average were married at 23. In fact, many on social media boast of either not being married, or never wanting too, all the whole opining their lack of connection. All of this not to even mention the attempt to redefine marriage to be between two men or two women, or even other combinations.
Sex is separated from marriage. The natural, God-given drive for procreation does not go away simply because you dissolve and avoid and deride marriage. But why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Thus, you have fornication, cohabitation, and the proliferation of pornography—a reality exponentially exacerbated by Artificial Intelligence. In fact, one article cited that in just 11 days a single AI platform was used to create over 3 million sexualized images, many of them depicting minors. AI completely removes all barriers of painting your imagination on a screen. And, on top of that, it removes old moral arguments against it: it’s not a real person, it doesn’t hurt anyone, I’m not participating in another’s sin and sexual immorality, and therefore it’s ok. Not only does this create an extremely self-centered view of sexuality, it also separates sex from childbearing and childrearing. Pornography. Contraception. The pill. Abortion. All ways of avoiding the consequences of sex outside of marriage. What God has joined together as the natural effect and consequence, we have ripped apart.
Marriage has also been separated from childbearing and rearing. The rise of the DINKs, “Dual Income, No Kids,” where a couple intentionally decides never to have children so they can spend their money on themselves. Children are not seen as part of God’s purposes of “being fruitful and multiplying and filling the earth,” but for self-fulfillment. Self-satisfaction. Or, the opposite phenomenon, a dramatic increase in the number of 40-plus-year-old single women who are having a child through IVF, bringing a child into a home which has, nor ever will have, a father. Same reason. Childbearing is not connected to marriage, or to sex, but simply to selfish ambition.
What you see in society is the veritable dismembering of the family, and consequentially the death of what one man called the “germ cell of society.” Which means that what we must see in the church is its reintegration and redemption. In fact, it is tempting to see this situation as dire, desperate, and losing, but we should rather see this as an amazing opportunity to let the redeeming power of the gospel shine by nurturing the health of our marriages and families.
Ephesians and the Redemption of the Family
In fact, this is key to unlocking the message of Ephesians. We have gone over this a number of different times before, but it is important to go over it again from a different perspective.
Grace redeems nature. Grace does not lift us out of our natural, bodily, earthly existence to some ethereal, higher, heavenly realm of experience. We are human, created from the dust of the earth and given the good task of ruling and subduing it. To be human is to be earthy, to be characterized by the activities of Genesis 1-2. It is to be a living soul, to be alive with the breath of God. It is to cultivate and guard the garden, work and keep. And it is to experience the joys of marriage and union with a spouse, and through that marriage and sexual union to be “fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” Thus, to be human then is to be embedded within a web of relationships—mothers, fathers, children, uncles, aunts, grandparents, grandchildren. And from that germ cell of society springs all the things we know and love—culture, economics, food, music, visual art, invention, innovation, architecture, literature, communication, friendship, enjoyment, recreation, and all other aspects of human society.
Sin twists these things. Sin kills the living, ensnares work with toil, and infuses the family with strife and division. Sin seeks to twist the marriage roles, where the man and the woman always vie for dominance in marriage, and the children get in on the action sometimes! Even in Genesis 4 we see a man with two wives—the separation of sex from marriage, and therefore from family and children. Even though culture does flourish, it only flourishes for evil—animals being reared for sacrifice to idols, made from the metallurgy of mankind. Thus, culture falls apart as society deteriorates into a mass of violence, selfishness, and idolatry.
But Jesus is working to redeem all that is truly human—all that he made in the beginning. As we have noted, Ephesians 1:10 says that God desires to reunite the fractured pieces of the universe in Christ through his redeeming work, and Ephesians 1:13-14 says that he is doing that through the gift of his Spirit, who is the promise of a future where all these things will be perfect once again! That’s the appropriate picture of heaven—not floating on a cloud playing a harp or participating in an eternal worship service. It is real life, analogous to how we live it now, only expunged of sin’s devastation. Thus, it includes international relationships, languages, culture, food, music, literature, inventions, events, celebrations, and human relationships.
But we know that life at present is not like that. One glance at the world will tell you that. Even in Ephesians, Paul says that Christ is above “all rule and authority” and that “all things” are “under his feet” (Eph 1:21-22). Yet, Paul also says that Satan, who is under Christ’s feet, is also at present “the prince of the power of the air” (Eph 2:2) and he is the highest of the “cosmic powers over this present darkness” (Eph 6:12). Even though Christ is victorious, we do not yet see his victory enacted over all the earth. Hebrews 2:5-9 says this. GO, EXPLAIN. Jesus has come to redeem all that is truly human, yet at present he has given only the down payment of that redemption to us now by the Spirit of God.
Thus, the church is a beacon of the future. It is the city on a hill. It is a light in the darkness. It is the buttress of the truth against the assaults of the world. The church is to be the miniature model of the future. I had a Lego set of the Millennium Falcon growing up. It wasn’t the actual ship, but it was a replica on a miniature scale. And by opening it up and looking inside I could see how each part related to and connected to each other part and how it works. The church is very similar! Christ has not yet reunited all things in him. But he has reunited us to him. And therefore, we become the foretaste of what Jesus will do on a cosmic, universal scale. In us, God in Christ redeems all that is truly human by giving us the Spirit. Grace renews nature.
So, the church is almost like a return to the garden of Eden. It is the redemption of fallen humanity to be like what humanity was always supposed to be. That’s why Ephesians 2:15 calls us “one new man.” We are a renewed humanity, and all that is truly human is renewed in us. Among those things which are truly human is the family.
This is why Paul spends such a large amount of time talking about the household, because the gospel has real implications for family life. It has direct application to how wives treat husbands, how husbands treat wives, and how they together treat their children, and how their children treat them. Why? Because it is in that context where Jesus’ renewing grace is seen most evidently and readily. Grace renews and redeems the family.
As a side note for those interested, this is where a very interesting difference between Postmillennialism and Premillennialism appears. Both are committed to the redemption of human society. What we disagree on is the timing and method. Postmillennialism says, “We must pursue the renewal of human society now because thereby the kingdom of God will be established on earth.” Premillennialism says, “We eagerly anticipate the day when human society will be renewed, but it will not happen until Christ returns to establish his kingdom on earth, even if there are spillover effects in the present.”
Redeeming Authority and Submission in Marriage
As we saw last week and the week before, Grace redeems the marriage relationship. When a wife receives the Spirit of God, she is taught submission to her husband. She is brought out from under the curse, “Your desire shall be for your husband”—meaning, you shall desire to have the mastery over him—into a genuine, glad-hearted desire to respect and submit to her husband. Colossians 3:18 says, “this is fitting in the Lord.” 1 Peter 3 adds to the picture that it is a fearless, gentle, quiet-spirited, and internal adorning of the inner person, and it is expressed as Sarah did to Abraham, in obedience—willing, voluntary yielding to his will and desires.
Many, hearing that, will immediately recoil—"Obey!?!? What do you mean obey?” Wives submit to husbands as they would to Christ. How do you obey the Lord? Do you do so happily? Willingly? Voluntarily? Are you compelled or forced to submit to him, or do you do so because you love him and desire to please him? “Submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” This pictures the beautiful relationship the church has with Christ. We yield everything to him, and he directs our lives, and this makes us happy. Such should be the aspiration of wives toward their husbands.
But again, the objection comes: “That puts me at risk! If I give up control of my life, I could get hurt! What if he abuses his authority?” To which we might respond, yes, it is possible, even likely, that even a believing husband can abuse his authority and use it to take advantage of his wife for selfish purposes. Yet a wife’s submission to her husband is not based upon whether or not he is selfish, or whether he is gentle or considerate, or whether he is sinning or not. It is “as to the Lord.” When she joyfully owns that role, she lives up to God’s design for her life.
What makes this safe and good for her is the loving exercise of authority by the husband. “The husband is the head of the wife.” But headship is not the simple exercise of authority. Our world believes that authority is an exercise in being first, being important, being powerful. It means having the right to control others, to use them for our own gain, to put ourselves in the position of comfort, ease, and pleasure while others do the heavy lifting. This is not what the bible commends. But biblical headship is expressed through the minding of responsibility. True authority looks like Christ—God, humbled. The Lord washing feet. The Savior coming to serve, not be served. The first becoming last. Authority is an exercise in lowliness, humility, and service.
This is Paul’s meaning when he says that it is the responsibility of all in the church to submit to one another (Eph 5:21). Naturally, he does not mean that there is no one who has more authority than another. Mutual submission does not mean the dissolution of roles of authority and submission, but the proper orientation within those roles. The husband, in a real sense, does submit to his wife—in the sense that he submits himself and his leadership and his headship to the needs of his wife out of love, not in the sense that he assumes her role in marriage.
When it works like this—and it can!—it is a beautiful thing. When a husband leads his wife into all that he believes to be good for her, and considers her before himself in all things, and when a wife trusts him and willingly submits herself to his care and follows him, they both are strengthened. He considers only what is good for her, and so when she submits to him, she only gains what is good for her. She only considers how to respect and honor him, so when he attempts to lead her, she gladly follows, only for her good!
Redeeming The Authority of Parents
We see much the same dynamic when we come to the parent-child relationship. Remember that the banner waving over these paragraphs is Ephesians 5:18, “Be filled with the Spirit.” Being full of the Spirit not only leads to mutual encouragement, glad-hearted worship, and pervasive thanksgiving, but it also leads to mutual submission. What is mutual submission? It is not the anarchy of having no authority, but it is the selfless submission of one’s self to the needs of another. In the church, mutual submission expresses itself in ways that sound like this, “I’m not going to eat meat offered to idols or pressure you eat it because I know your conscience doesn’t allow you to do that. Even though I know that it is objectively right and there is nothing wrong with it, I will lovingly put myself aside and submit myself to you out of love.” It sounds like “Euodia, I know we’ve had our disagreements over how we should do ministry, but I want you to know that I love you and that I want to serve alongside you. So, I think we should move forward with your plan, not mine.” It sounds like 1 Peter 5:5, “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility.”
We treat each other this way because it is how Jesus treated us:
Matthew 20:20-28. While the disciples jockey for position, they miss the point. When we attempt to prove to our wives, or when parents attempt to prove to their children that they are in charge and so they better get in line, we have missed the point of parenting and leadership. Our leaders, our men, our parents, are not those who “exercise authority,”—though they do possess authority—but those who use their authority to serve, to be last, to be a slave, to give their lives.
John 13:1-14. Leadership motivated by love, even in full knowledge of Judas’ coming betrayal, and in full knowledge of his own authority and his destination going back to God, he gets down on the floor and does the work of a slave. Yet when he does so, nobody is guessing as to who is in charge. That left an impression on Peter! 1 Peter 5:3 – to elders, ‘not domineering over those in your charge [legitimate authority exercised in a non-domineering way], but being examples to the flock,” even as Jesus was to him. There is more power in a gentle, consistent example than there ever will be in a flat out command.
Phil 2:4-9. He did not count equality with God a thing to be selfishly held on to, but he emptied himself and took on the form of a servant that he might submit himself to our needs, even though he was God!
Even so, parents are to treat their children. There is a kind of mutual submission between parents and children. It is a mutual submission that sounds like this: “Son/Daughter, I love you more than to let you sin, and I will love you by training you in righteousness and raising you in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The submission of a parent to a child’s needs often looks like long hours of interaction, constant reminders to obedience, leading them in bible memory, teaching them bible stories, and giving the often right answer, “No.” It means providing for them physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually. It means constructing a home environment where they are nurtured and reared for the Lord as we point them to his saving gospel. Which means that part of the submission of the parent to the needs of the child is the discipline they must provide.
Of course, that is not permissive. It is not the false philosophy of “Gentle Parenting” we see today in which an author Sarah Ockwell-Sanders suggests that there must be a “balance of power” maintained between the parent and the child. It is love which patiently speaks the truth and does what is best for the beloved, wielding authority for their good.
All of this comprises the parents’ authority over their children. And that bears emphasizing: parents you do have authority over your kids. There is no balance of power. There is a kind of hierarchy. God has given you authority in order that you may train your child in the way they should go. And it is the loving use of that authority which is for the best interests of the child. Not to wield that authority not only defies God, but it stunts and exasperates the child. Love toward a child which does not actively involve itself in the child’s life by in giving non-negotiable standards and instructions to the child, and then consistently following through with discipline when those standards and instructions are not followed, is not love at all. It is an abdication of authority and a neglecting of responsibility.
This is how God parents us. Hebrews 12:3-11. God considers us before himself, and therefore, as our Father, he trains us to fight sin. Yet he does so, not by domineering, berating, or exasperating us, but by disciplining us for our good that we may share in his holiness—a kind of discipline that is “painful, rather than pleasant.” But he does it for our good.
Thus, parents, you are servants of your children—that’s what it means to lead them. In this sense, you submit to them. You don’t obey them—they obey you, and you must teach them to obey you (Eph 6:1). But you do serve them, even if part of your service to them is to teach them how to obey you, even if that means corporal discipline. You have authority in order to serve them.
The Responsibilities of Parents and Children
So, the parent-child relationship comes with obligations. Parents are obligated to nurture their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord without exasperating them in the process.
This is the responsibility that parents are to mind with their authority. That is because, again, authority is not given so that we might lord it over others. It is given that we might serve them, and that we might mind our responsibility. And our responsibility as parents is so that we might “nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” That is how we lead them. We don’t exasperate, but we nurture. We don’t frustrate, but we cultivate. We don’t embitter, but we tend. We are to train them to obey us, and thereby train them to obey God.
This has always been the expectation of Scripture. Even in the Garden, the only way Adam and Eve’s children (had they never fallen) would know not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil is if their parents taught them. So also, Deuteronomy 6:4-9. We are to teach them that there is one God, and that God must be worshipped in a singular, unique, holy way. And we teach them that by laying it upon our hearts and infusing that teaching into every aspect of life.
This is also the refrain of Proverbs. Over and over, Solomon speaks to his son and teaches him wisdom. Proverbs 1:8; 2:1; 3:1, 11, 21, 4:1, 10, 20; 5:1, 7; 6:1. Etc. In fact, the head of the second section of the book, in Prov 10:1: “A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother.” We will, of course, unpack this more next week when we go through in detail.
On the other hand, children are obligated to render obedience and honor to their parents. While the parents mind their responsibilities and wield their parental authority to teach their children about the Lord and about upright living, all the while children are to mind their responsibility to yield obedience to their parents with a happy heart. Honor to parents is essential to obedience. Perhaps this is why Paul notes that elders who manage their household well do so with dignity, not with force (1 Tim 3:4). Dignity—the intrinsic honor of person that comes with living up to the responsibilities that the Lord has given us. We must walk as dignified parents—not proud, starchy, or straight-faced/straight-laced—but dignified, honorable, living a life which commands respect rather than which demands respect.
The difficult thing is that children do not naturally want to do this. They don’t come out yearning to obey. Kids, have you ever noticed that its really hard to obey your parents? Do you know why that is? It’s because of sin in your heart. And Jesus needs to forgive that sin and change your heart before you can truly obey your parents. And I can speak confidently that there is nothing that your parents want more for you than that you would repent and believe in Jesus.
So, kids, your parents are trying to prepare your heart for that by teaching you the Bible and giving discipline. And parents, you must teach your kids that they must obey their parents, and then you also must train them in obedience. That training happens not only through the constant repetition of the standards of the Lord, but it also happens with the consistent reinforcement of the standards with discipline when they are transgressed.
Conclusion
One final word in conclusion: there is a role of the church in parenting as well. We’ll answer this more fully next week, but why is it that Paul commands children who are not a part of his household that they must obey their parents? It is because it is the responsibility of the church to come alongside parents and aid them in the rearing of their kids by teaching them the commandments of God, pointing them to the gospel, and reinforcing the training of parents in the home.
Thereby, we become a witness to this watching world. Redeemed families stick out like a sore thumb—or, better, like a lighthouse in the dark. Let us strive to raise up the children among us well, as parents and as a church, that the glory of Christ may be put on display in our church.