He Scrupled Not to Die (Ephesians 5:25-33)
He Scrupled Not to Die (Ephesians 5:25-33)
Marriage is About the Gospel
The most important point I want you to walk away from this sermon and last week’s sermon is this: marriage is about the gospel. And by that I mean both that marriage is a picture of the gospel, and that it is empowered by the gospel.
Marriage is about the gospel in the sense that marriage is a picture of the gospel. Marriages are not about marriage. They are not a civil contract. They are not mainly designed for companionship or relationship or fulfillment or sexual pleasure or producing/rearing children. They are about Christ and what he has done to save his people. Thus, the true meaning of marriage is that Jesus Christ has given himself up for his church and is making her perfect. Without that, marriage becomes meaningless.
Marriage is also about the gospel because the gospel empowers marriage. If you walk away with the impression that the only thing you have to do to make your marriage better is to simply try harder, then I have failed. You cannot be the wife or husband you should be on your own terms. That’s why God has given us the Spirit. The good news is that despite all your failures as a wife or a husband, Christ has loved you and given himself up for you and is working through his word to cleanse you from all unrighteousness so that you would be perfect in his eyes.
It is dangerous to venture out in obedience to Christ without proper gospel foundations. Why? Because the gospel does two critical things for us. On the one hand, the gospel protects us from thinking that we are more accepted by God because we have obeyed. We are not. All our righteousness is in Christ, and thus we have been received into God’s family with full rights and privileges. We will never be any more or less accepted before God than we are right now because we are united to him and we have his righteousness and are his children.
On the other hand, the gospel protects us from thinking that our obedience is peripheral or unnecessary. It is absolutely necessary. Why? Because the gospel is not merely that God has paid the penalty for sin in Jesus Christ, but also that he has poured out his Holy Spirit, who is given to us to renovate our souls. The gospel is like Extreme Makeover: Spiritual Edition. He promises not only that our sins are forgiven, but that he will set us free from bondage to those sins.
Why is this important for marriage? Both because a gospel-less marriage lacks both purpose and power. It lacks purpose because it is supposed to point to the gospel, and it lacks power because the gospel is what fuels obedience to the Lord in our marriage roles. And these gospel foundations are woven throughout verses 22-33. Knowing that your marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ and the church endows your marriage with incredible meaning. Knowing that your marriage is redeemed and being redeemed by the very gospel it is supposed to picture infuses us with incredible confidence.
I am convinced that, most of the time, husbands do fulfill their responsibility to love their wives is not because they don’t know they’re supposed to. The reason we don’t do them is because we don’t see them as expressions of an infinitely glorious gospel which proclaims an infinitely valuable Christ. In other words, our lack of obedience arises from not placing it in proper perspective—we don’t husband well because we don’t see husbanding for what it truly is—the picture of the glorious sacrifice of a loving Christ.
Authority, Leadership, and Love
The success of the picture of that gospel in large measure hangs on whether the man and the wife receive and enjoy their roles in marriage. As we looked at last time, the wife is called to play the role of the church that submits to Christ. As the church submits to Christ, the wife is to submit to her husband. A wife is to model the responsive love of the church to her Savior. As we will look at today, the husband is called to play the role of Christ who gave himself for the church.
This begins with the husband’s authority over his wife. We already saw the beginnings of this in verse 23: “The husband is the head of the wife.” That is to say, just as the head is the authority over the body, and Christ is the authority over the church, the husband is the authority over his wife. She plays the responsive, following, submissive role. He plays the initiating, leading, headship role.
When we refer to the husband’s authority, we must be careful not to assume a worldly definition of authority. Jesus shepherds us in Matthew 20:25-27, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave.” In other words, God has assigned those positions of authority with the responsibility of service.
All abuses of authority happen when those in those positions lose sight of this principle for leadership. When authority becomes an end in itself, it is abused and those under it are harmed. But when they use their authority in godly ways and to accomplish the responsibilities that the Lord has laid on them, authority becomes a blessing to those under it. A government that uses its authority to suppress crime and incentivize good behavior is a great blessing to the people. Elders who are preoccupied with shepherding the flock by teaching and praying are a great blessing to a church. Parents who nourish their children by teaching them Scripture and enforcing household expectations with discipline are a great blessing to their children. And husbands who love their wives as their own bodies are a great blessing to their wives.
That means a few things. First, wives should actively seek to receive the leadership of their husbands. You can only receive the blessing that God intended for you to receive from his leadership if you voluntarily submit to his leadership. Even if they less than perfectly (which we always will) there is still blessing to be received by submitting to a husband’s authority. In fact, your submission to his leadership might just be the very means by which he grows in leadership. Second, those in authority should seek to make that choice easy through a servant-hearted, loving, and warm leadership. Make the bar for glad-hearted submission to you as low as you can. That doesn’t mean give her whatever she wants. It doesn’t mean you need to become as bold as a feather or as resolute as a weathervane. It means that there is a way of leading your wife which makes it hard for her to voluntarily and glad-heartedly follow your leadership and there is a way that makes it easy. Men, if we find that our wives are not following us, we need to seriously consider whether or not we are the problem. Men own their faults and work to change them.
So then, what is he called to? What are you called to as husbands? How do you make her submission to you easier? What responsibilities have you shouldered by saying “I do” to your woman? Let’s look at two aspects of a husband’s love that picture Christ’s love for his church.
I. A Husband Must Love His Wife by Seeking Her Holiness (5:25-27)
First, husbands must obey the call to love their wives by following Christ in seeking her holiness. Love seeks the greatest good of the beloved, and the greatest good is holiness. Love is not just affirming what she thinks, giving her what she wants, or unconditionally supporting her desires. Love seeks the greatest good; and the greatest good is Christ.
Therefore, love to a wife begins not with you nurturing her holiness, but with you nurturing yours. Your holiness sets the tone of your home. You cannot create an environment in your home where your wife is drawn ever nearer to the Lord if you yourself do not do it first. Daily reading of the bible, fervent and frequent prayer, as well as a self-controlled, disciplined, orderly, Spirit-filled life are the foundation of the leadership of all husbands. The success of my leadership begins when I open my Bible every morning.
Then, we follow Christ’s pattern in seeking the holiness of our wives. Clarification: we do not do everything for our wives that Christ does for them. We do not love her and give ourselves up for her in exactly the same way that Christ did. We cannot save her. We cannot sanctify her. We cannot cleanse her from impurities or free her conscience from guilt. We cannot iron out the wrinkles in her life. Yet, when we follow Christ’s pattern, we love in a similar way to how he did. Though we cannot save, sanctify, and cleanse her, we can lead her into the pastures where those things happen.
So, I want to ask two questions. First: How does Christ seek the holiness of his bride, the church? Second: how does that inform the way husbands should seek the holiness of their brides?
First, how does Christ seek the holiness of his bride?
· Christ loves his bride by sacrificing himself for her.
The love which Christ has for his church is unimaginable. Paul has already said this in different words in 5:2—“He loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” He laid himself down for her.
And it is not as though we merited or deserved this. He laid his life down even when we were his enemies, sinners. Yet when he looked on our sinful state, he did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped. He saw his own life—the most valuable life in the universe—as something to give up for her sake. And so, he gave himself over in the full knowledge that he would have to suffer infinitely in order to win her freedom and gain her for himself. He has become to us, therefore, “wisdom from God, righteousness, and sanctification and redemption” (1 Cor 1:30).
· Christ seeks the holiness of his bride.
But the love of Christ toward us is not one which merely seeks to affirm, but to sanctify. Love seeks holiness. And that is not just a wish, for the Lord is strong and able to help his bride. So, he sends his word to her and washes her with it. The picture here is of a woman who is being prepared for her wedding day and washed clean to make her ready. But here it is referred to the washing of water with the word. That means, Christ sends us his word—the gospel and all he teaches in Scripture—and he uses it to sanctify us and prepare us for a coming wedding to him. The word of God is given to sanctify us and to prepare us for the wedding feast that is coming—the consummation of our relationship to him.
· Christ intends to present his bride to himself in glory at the consummation.
The picture is of a husband-to-be who foots the bill for his bride-to-be that she might lavishly prepare for their wedding day. He pictures in his mind’s eye how beautiful she will be on that day. I know it’s not popular these days for the “first look” to be when the bride is present to the groom, but there is a beautiful symbolism there. He has provided for her to look this way. She is beautiful in his eyes. The church’s holiness is the jewels that decorate her.
In the present time, this is how Christ sees the church. During this time where Christ is gathering in his bride, he is also beautifying her so that when he does present her to himself on the last day, she will be immaculate—pure, white, chaste, decked out. Beautiful. That means that he sees her not for what she is now, but for what she could be, for what she will be! There’s no faster way to be depressed than to look at the church for what it is right now. It’s in those moments when you see imperfections in each other that you need to look at each other through Christ’s eyes. How does Jesus see us? He sees us as the bride on her wedding day: without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, glorious, holy, no blemishes. He sees her the way a groom sees his bride to be in his minds eye coming down that aisle. That should give great hope.
Christ’s love for his bride is the pattern for a husband’s love for his bride. So, the second question then is, what does this mean for how husbands should treat their brides?
· A husband must love his wife by sacrificing himself for her.
If Christ loved his bride by laying down his life for her, what in the world makes us think we don’t have to do the same thing? What is the cost of the love you have for your wife? And are you willing to follow Christ in paying it? He did not consider death, even death on the cross, too great a price to pay for his bride. As one commentator said, he scrupled not to die! Why should we scruple to make smaller sacrifices?
So, think: what do you need to give up for her sake? What must you sacrifice for her holiness? Family devotions and prayer cut into down time. Working long hours and cutting into time with her causes her to wither away—whether she lets you see it or not. We treasure peace in the house and so we refuse to bring up the point of contention that needs to be resolved. We have to give up times of sexual intimacy to help her work through an emotional struggle or simply to let her sleep.
Beyond that, what have you sacrificed for her holiness? What have you give in prayer? How have you labored to understand how to explain that difficult thing in Scripture to her? Do you initiate to get up early to get her and the kids to church on time? Are you willing to watch the kids so she can be at Bible study—and then not call or text her to ask for help!?
· A husband must love his wife by seeking her holiness through regularly exposing their hearts to God’s word.
The word of God is a primary means of grace. God makes us holy only in connection to his word. So, does the word of God dominate your marriage? Do you, as Deuteronomy commands, “Teach them diligently to your children…talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise”? Do you “bind them as a sign on your hand”? Are they “as frontlets between your eyes”? Are they written on your door? When people look at your marriage, do they say, “There’s a relationship that is soaked in Scripture?” What do you talk about by default when you sit down in the morning or evening?
Another means by which we seek her holiness through the word is regular attendance at church. It is one thing to read your Bible alone. It is completely different to hear the word preached to God’s people at church. They are not the same. You and she cannot be holy without the regular presence at church where you hear the word together.
· A husband must see his bride for what she will be in glory when she is perfect in Christ.
Men, we must be quick to overlook faults. Unrelenting criticism is the scorching sun to a delicate flower. Over time, it creates callouses on the heart and closes her mind and heart to you. Leadership is not about fixing problems or attempting to change your wife. We are not here to inflict punishment through anger or withdrawal. We are here to seek holiness by pointing to Christ and his word, all the while remembering the creature she will be in glory. We must see her not for who she is now, but for who she will be.
Transition: Yet, there is another, perhaps even deeper dimension to marriage which brings out another aspect of a husband’s love for his wife. Not only must he love her by seeking her holiness, he also must love her by walking in oneness with her.
II. A Husband Must Love His Wife by Walking in Oneness with Her (5:28-32)
Second, a husband must love his wife by walking in oneness with her. Proof: look at how Paul’s focus shifts in v28 from holiness to union. “As their own bodies,” “loves himself,” she is as though “his own flesh,” we are “members of his body,” Genesis 2:24 says that the two become “one flesh” and that Paul is speaking in reference to the relationship of Christ and the church.
In fact, this makes sense in light of the whole book. The refrain has been that we are “in Christ”—united to him, bonded to him such that all that is his is ours and all that happens to him happens to us. And Paul masterfully draws on that reality and says “The marriage union is something like that.” We demonstrate that Christ is in union to his church by walking in oneness with our wives.
Oneness is a fact, not a feeling. Husbands and wives are one, just as heads and bodies are one, just as Christ and his church are one. They became one when they made their vows. Which means that husbands and wives do not need to create oneness in their marriage, but rather they need to create disciplined habits that express the oneness they already possess.
Let’s follow the same flow of thought and ask two questions: How is Christ one with his bride? Then, second, what does that mean for how husbands ought to express their oneness with their brides?
How is Christ one with his bride?
· Christ is one with us through the Spirit.
Remember chapter one and the refrain, “in him.” All our salvation is because we are united to him. We are joined to him with a spiritual bond, an eternal union that no man can break and which God himself made. Thus all his righteousness is ours and all our sin is his. And there flows between us and Christ a common, mutual life which lives in us through the Spirit of God.
Thus, the Spirit is the seal of his love, and the promise of our inheritance. He is the source of our knowledge of Christ and the pathway to God. He builds us together into a temple, even as he knits us together into a body. He reveals Christ to us through the Apostles and Prophets and strengthens us to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge. The Spirit is the substance of our union to Christ. Which means that the Spirit is the greatest gift of love which Christ can give us.
· Christ is one with us the same way that a head is one with a body.
Because we have the spirit, we are one with him. And Paul points to the reality of the body’s relationship to the head as a parallel. Recall all the points in Ephesians where Paul has called the church “the body.” 1:23 – we are the fullness of Christ, his body, who is the head of all things. In 4:4 says there is “one body and one Spirit.” In fact, it is the primary metaphor in Ephesians to describe the church.
The way that the head controls and directs the rest of the body, Christ controls and directs the rest of his body. And the way that the head and the body share the same life, the same blood, the same hormones, the same electrical signals, so also we share with Christ the same Spirit, the same power, the same spiritual life, the same mission, the same action. To harm the church is to harm Christ. To serve the church is to serve Christ. To bless the church is to bless Christ. And therefore…
· Christ expresses that oneness with us by providing for all that we need.
Christ nourishes and cherishes his body. Because he is the head of his body, he feeds his body so that it grows up into maturity and he cherishes his body so that it is warm and comforted and provided for. Because he is the husband of the church, he provides for the church all that she needs and he cherishes her the way a husband warmly draws his bride close to comfort her or encourage her. He is concerned for, thinks about, preoccupies himself with, and therefore takes care of the church all because he loves her and is one with her.
Again, the pattern of husbands is Christ, so this leads to the second question: How does this inform the way husbands should express oneness with their wives?
· Husbands will most importantly desire spiritual oneness with their wives.
While the text does not state this explicitly, it is part of life. What good is the covenantal bond of marriage if there is not common possession of the Spirit? Thus the husband with an unbelieving spouse wants most of all for her that she would know Christ savingly. And for those marriages in which both partners are saved, there should be a desire to seek spiritual unity. What is spiritual unity? Just refer back to chapter 4:1-16. It is guarded by gentleness and humility and patience and love and zeal. It is under the Lordship of Christ. It submits together to spiritual leadership. It seeks to serve the church together. It seeks to speak the truth in love so as to build one another up.
· Husbands will express oneness with their wives by treating their wives as their most valuable possession—even as their own bodies.
We treat our bodies with the utmost care. Few people go into the doctor and request an amputation. You don’t intentionally cause yourself pain. You give your body food when it is hungry and sleep when it is tired.
Yet how many of us treat our wives that way? How many of us intensely focus on every pain and need and concern of our wife in order to take care of it? Furthermore, do you know your wife well enough to treat her well? Not all wives are the same. And no one wife stays the same!
That of course does not mean that we can or should immediately alleviate every difficulty they encounter. Is not exercise one of the best things for the physical body? Therefore, is not the stretching of the wife part of her spiritual growth? It is good for a husband to allow the measured stretching of his wife if it is for her spiritual good, all the while attending to what is best for her.
· Husbands will express oneness with their wives by providing for them.
Just as Christ “nourishes” the church, and just as the husband “nourishes” his own body, so also a husband should “nourish” his wife. What does that mean? Literally it means to provide food, but it extends beyond that to include anything that is necessary for growth and health. The same word is used of parents treating their children in 6:4, “bring them up.” That is “nourish” them. Give them what they need. Feed them so that they grow.
We are to provide for our wives. We are to provide for them spiritually. This means ensuring that they are plugged into a healthy church, regularly hearing sermons, providing opportunities to read the Bible and pray, and encouraging healthy relationships with friends at church who will be able to speak to her in ways that you likely can’t. We also ought to regularly speak about Scripture and theology with them and pray with them. All these things nourish her soul (and yours).
We also must provide for them physically. We must provide physical safety, at the expense of our own health and bodies if necessary. We must provide not just shelter, but a home where she might be able to flourish. We must provide food and warmth. We may not be able to do this to the same degree as others, and we must always live within our means. We do not provide well for her physically when we allow her to go into massive debt on luxury items. Yet we can still provide well without a large house, a big salary, a generous retirement account. We work as hard as we can, and in some cases, as hard as we need to in order to provide the necessities.
But we also must provide for them relationally and emotionally. We must listen to them, seek to understand them (even if we don’t agree with them), disclose our hearts to them, and spend time with them. Your wife is like a garden—it flourishes when it is tended regularly. Tend to your wives. No husband loves his wife who doesn’t talk to her. We also provide for her when we initiate and lead, when we establish and maintain routines, rhythms, and structures in the home—for those things are the lattice upon which hangs the vine of your relationship.
Conclusion
In sum, it’s like the rest of Christian living: simple and difficult. Paul’s summary statement is in v33: “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” It’s not complicated. It’s just hard to do. Husbands, love. Wives, respect. The difficulty comes in living it out.
Which leads us back to where we started: the power for a God-honoring marriage does not come from you. It comes from bringing your marriage to Christ. If it’s strong, only he can maintain it. If it’s weak, only he can strengthen it. If its broken, only he can fix it. Why? Because he is the head of all creation. He has died and is raised. He is in the heavens and the right hand of God. Surely, he has the ability to save, sanctify, and glorify us.