The Spirit’s Recreation of the Wife (Ephesians 5:22-24)
The Spirit’s Recreation of the Wife
Ephesians 5:22-24
Introduction
Sermons on submission are always hard to preach, especially in our day. Nothing seems to get the ire of culture up than suggesting that the will of one person should have more weight than the will of another—particularly in husband-wife relationships. Where marriage is not spat on or completely abandoned, our culture is one of egalitarian marriages—that husbands and wives are interchangeable, and the only fundamental difference is their plumbing. Many wives and women say, “Anything men can do, women can do better.” And many husbands and men say, “Why can’t I stay at home while my wife goes out and works?”
So, many evangelicals find infinitely creative ways to not deal with the issue. Many simply do not talk about it at all. Nobody gets offended if we keep our mouths shut. Thus, we tiptoe around the issue and avoid the texts that bring it up—a difficult task in a church that practices sequential exposition.
Others understate and qualify the issue. Sure, it’s in the Bible, but when you compare what the Bible says about all the other things women are to do, it really isn’t that big of a deal. Functionally, the issue gets relegated to a functionally non-important part of the godliness of women.
Still others reinterpret the clear statement of the texts to smooth over the feather-ruffling affect they have on sinful human beings. It says that wives should submit to husbands, but it also says that we are all supposed to submit to each other, so it really evens out in the end. Or, it says that women are not permitted to have authority over men, but Paul was really just addressing a very specific 1st century problem that we don’t have today, so that text doesn’t really apply. In fact, I very vividly remember reviewing a book in seminary where the feminist author specifically said, “I don’t want to take scissors to Scripture!” and then proceeded to make a philosophical pair of scissors with which she cut submission texts clean out of biblical thought.
The world hates submission of all kinds. That’s because the world is full of “the pride of life.” That was the first sin—"I will make my own rules, I will not submit to you, God.” And therefore, we will not submit to one another. Most strife comes from lack of submission of one to another—whether to governing authorities, to parents, to husbands, and to pastors.
But, as we shall see, the submission of wives to husbands is not only an essential part of the godliness of wives and the God-given identity of women, but it is also central to the purpose of God for the church, and therefore the church’s witness. To teach that women should not, cannot, must not submit to their husbands is not only anti-woman and anti-marriage, but anti-Christ. Why? As is woven together in these passages, marriage is a picture of Christ’s relationship to the church.
Constantly in these verses, Paul compares the marriage relationship to the union between Christ and his church. 5:23, 24, 25, 28, 29, 30, 32. In other words, marriage exists to point to Christ—which means that healthy marriages are one of the foundation stones of a healthy church. But a marriage in which there is not a properly ordered relationship of loving authority and tenderhearted submission cannot be a healthy one. Truly, a great part of the health of a church rests on the health of the foundational institution of marriage.
Remember, the church is here to point to Christ’s work in the world. We are life in the middle of a dying world, light in darkness, wisdom amongst folly. And the way that the church points to Christ’s work in the world is by producing a people who walk in newness of life—the worthy walk of 4:1. The cornerstone is personal holiness, but built upon that is the holiness of a family, and upon the holiness of the families of a church is the witness of the church built.
It is fascinating to me that, in a letter that is all about the church, Paul would spend so much time talking about the household. Paul spends 3 chapters applying the reality that the church is the foretaste of the future—and 1 whole chapter, a third of Paul’s application, is dedicated to ordering household relationships. Which tells me at least two things—the state of the home will be the state of the church, and the church therefore must be intently interested in nurturing the health of families.
But families stand or fall upon the marriage relationship. And the marriage relationship stands or falls upon whether a husband and wife are willing to follow God’s design for marriage. And fundamentally, that design has two sides. On the one hand, the wife must gladheartedly submit in everything to her husband out of a desire to obey the Lord. On the other hand, the husband must sacrificially love his wife as though she were himself.
One brief word to single women: even if you are not currently in a covenantal bond of marriage with a man, this is still a relevant word for you. My encouragement is this: even if you do not have a specific man toward whom you must express these things, work to cultivate this kind of heart attitude so that, if you ever did have that man, it would only be natural to transition into that role.
Now, let’s look at five elements of Paul’s instructions to wives, that we might nurture the health of our marriages.
I. The Command – Submit
The first thing which Paul says is that wives must submit. That is the clear command. Interestingly, the verb submit is supplied from verse 21. In fact verses 22-24 are an extension of verse 21. The entire section is one thought.
Some have wrongly concluded that, because verse 21 says that we should submit to one another, that husbands must submit to wives just as much as wives must submit to husbands. But this makes no sense. If so, you would also have to require parents to submit to their children and masters to submit to their slaves. When Paul says that we must “submit to one another in the fear of Christ,” he does not mean that it is the duty of every person to submit to every other person in the same exact way. That is anarchy. Rather, he means that the church must be a society where properly ordered relationships of authority and submission prevail. Even if Paul is saying husbands must submit to their wives, he explicitly says that they do so by loving them, not by obeying them.
But there is also another very important point to draw out here. If verses 22-24 are an extension of verse 21, and verse 21 itself is dependent on verse 18, then the primary command here is that wives must demonstrate that they are filled with the Spirit by submitting to their husbands. The Spirit filled wife is a submissive wife.
Remember the main point of the book. Christ is recreating the world—restoring creation to the order established in Genesis 1 and 2. Christ recreates the world through his death and resurrection, and subsequently through his gift of the Spirit. Thus, when Christ gives the Spirit to the church, what we should see is women who look like Eve was supposed to look—a helper, a life giver, taken from Adam’s side, given to the man to help him in accomplishing his task to rule and subdue the earth. Thus, the Spirit filled wife is a submissive wive—a recreated wife, a wife who lives according to the creation order.
Now, importantly, Paul is not here teaching that wives submit to men generally speaking. He specifically limits the authority/submission relationship by the covenantal bond shared by a husband and wife. From the point of their wedding vows, they are bound to the responsibilities of authority and submission. There are other relationships where she must submit. In the civil realm, she may be required to submit to the ruling authorities. In the realm of the church, she is required to submit to her elders. But in the realm of marriage and family, she is required to submit to her husband only.
Thus, submission applies in all cases. It is a vow, not a feeling or an entitlement. Wives do not submit because they are less skilled or because their husbands are more worthy. They submit because they desire to obey the Lord and fulfill the role he has given them in marriage. It is a direct command of Scripture, not dependent on her own abilities, gifts, education, intelligence, knowledge of Scripture, or spiritual maturity. If she has these in greater degree than her husband, she is still required to submit.
Yet, submission can easily be misunderstood and therefore maligned or passed off as unimportant. How is it misunderstood?
· Submission does not mean that the woman possesses less human dignity than the man. Submission is a high calling and vital to the success of any human institution. As to their persons, they are equal before the Lord. But the Lord of both has called each to distinct roles, for which he has fit them to accomplish. The Bible expects that a woman who refuses to submit forfeits dignity, rather than gains it. We do not look at loud-spirited, brash, disrespectful women as dignified. Dignity is gained by living up to the calling the Lord has given us, not by asserting our own individuality.
· Submission does not mean that a woman must have a weak will. In fact, one might argue that it takes more strength to submit than it does to assert yourself. When we are driven by our desires, we prove the weakness of our souls. But when we subdue our desires, we demonstrate strength of spirit. The strongest Christians are those who submit the happiest.
· Submission does not mean that a woman contributes less to the marriage than the husband. In fact, I don’t know a single husband who enjoys a submissive wife who would not say that their wife is the single most important figure in their life and marriage, except Christ. Submission makes you more vital to your marriage, not less. It makes you more important as well to the family dynamics, as well as in society, and especially in the church. Submission is a meaningful contribution to marriage, not the absence of contribution. The kind of understanding of submission which promotes a sullen, retreating posture is not submission at all. It is pride.
· Submission does not mean that the woman is exempt from personal responsibility before the Lord. She will stand or fall before the Lord on her own account, answer for her own actions, words, thoughts, and attitudes. Beware the overstated versions of male headship which would place every ounce of guilt and responsibility on his shoulders.
· Submission does not mean that the woman gives up her own mind and can’t disagree with her husband or express that disagreement. She is still in possession of her own mind and has a responsibility before the Lord to come to her own conclusions and have her own conscience. Yet caution is urged here, as personal preference easily is confused for biblical precept, and wives sometimes take stands on things they ought not to. While submission does not preclude disagreement, it does preclude disrespect.
· Submission is not something that is in operation only when the husband and wife disagree on a decision. This is a common misunderstanding among married couples. Submission does come more sharply into focus when a husband and wife disagree, but submission is operation at all times and at all points in the marriage relationship. This is proven by what we will look at later: 5:24, “wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” How do they do that? There are many ways, but he gives a clue in his summary in 5:33: “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” A wife submits to her husband not only when she defers to his decision, but also (and more importantly) when she demonstrates respect and honor to him at all times and in everything.
If that is what it is no, then what is it? Let us glean some clues from the context.
· To submit is to be Spirit-filled. We’ve made this point already, but it bears repeating. Spirit-filled people do not insist on their own way. They are not brawlers or manipulators. They count the interests and plans of others more significant than their own. They do not see it as their mission in life to gain whatever they want at whatever cost. Thus, the one filled by God’s Spirit will submit to those around them.
· Submission is therefore primarily a heart-level issue before it is every a matter of decision-making. The Spirit is given to us to renovate our hearts. He changes our desires, enlightens our minds, strengthens our hearts to know the love of Christ. The reason why we submit is because the Spirit has worked in our lives to soften and mold our wills, like a potter who shapes a pot according to his design. Submission is an internal issue before it is an external issue. One can follow on the outside with a rebellious heart, like the child who sits down with a frown. Sullen compliance is not Spirit-filled submission but self-centered pride.
· Submission therefore attends the other marks of being Spirit-filled: engagement with church life, heartfelt worship, and pervasive thankfulness. A submissive wife will also seek to be involved in the service of the church. She will worship God with joy in her heart. She will give thanks to God always and in everything. Add to this the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, and other like graces. These things fill her submission with sweetness and sustain it with its daily food.
· Submission therefore is obedience to the Lord. God has stablished human authority, and therefore submitting to human authority is submitting to divine authority. When a wife voluntarily submits herself to her husband, she obeys not him, but God.
· Submission is the orderly conduct of a wife in relationship to her husband. That would be the most basic definition. When a wife submits, she is ordering her life according to his leadership, his desires, his needs, his mission, his direction. There is a kind of pathway a wife can walk which breaks up the path of her husband and impedes these things, and there is a path she can walk that makes the ground under his feet level and solid.
II. The Motivation – As to the Lord
Why does a wife submit to her husband? The answer comes at the end of verse 22: as to the Lord. What does that mean? It means that submission to husbands is viewed from the perspective of submission to Christ. To submit to your husband is to submit to Christ. Why? Because Christ commands you to submit to your husbands.
That means that the reason why a wife submits to her husband is because she wants to obey Christ, not because her husband is worthy. Wives, let’s be honest—if your husbands had to be perfect before you submitted, you would never have to submit! I always remember MacArthur saying, “The Messiah already came and went. Don’t wait for him!” Your husband will never be worthy of your submission. But we don’t obey based on the performance of others. We obey because we love the Lord Jesus Christ and because we love others. And love covers over a multitude of sins.
In fact, Peter makes this point in his first letter. 1 Peter 3:1 says that wives must be subject to their own husbands, even in the case where they do not obey the word. There he means an unbeliever. Even if a husband is an unbeliever, a wife still must submit to her husband, for it is through her godly and respectful and submissive conduct that she may win him to Christ. If Scripture calls wives to submit even to unbelieving husbands, how much more can you submit to a believing, even if imperfect and still in-process, husband?
If our obedience was dependent on the performance of others, we would never obey. We are always called to obey Christ, even when it is hard and costs us. Hebrews 12:4, “In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” In other words, are you dead yet? Then you should keep fighting against your own sin; keep fighting to obey. One does not see the imperfections in a gem by comparing it to its plastic counterpart, but to the perfect gem of the same kind. We must compare our obedience, not to the disobedience of others, but to the perfection of Christ’s obedience.
III. The Reason – The Husband is the Head of the Wife
And why must wives submit to their husbands? There are two reasons that Paul gives, the first is that the husband is the head of the wife. Notice the logic here: Paul is not calling the husband to become the head of the wife by the way he acts. Rather, Paul is stating that the husband is the head of his wife by nature of the marriage relationship. Headship is a fact, not a calling. When I made promises to Suzanne on June 15, 2015, I became her head. I am not her head just when I act like her head—I am her head whether I act like it or not. The question since then is whether I have proven to be a good head or a bad one. The husband is the head of his wife.
To put it differently, marriage is an ordinance of creation. Marriage was God’s first human institution. God made marriage what it is in the garden, and it hasn’t ever changed. It may have become twisted by sin, but it was never undone. Which means that man has always been the head of his wife. If we turn back to Genesis 2, we see this play out in detail.
· Genesis 2:18 – a “helper fit for him.” This is very specialized language used to describe a custom-made helper. Adam had been called to fill the earth, to be fruitful and multiply, which means that he needs to create children. But he cannot create children by himself. He needs a counterpart suitable to help him fill the earth. So, God creates the woman to fulfill that role. Which means that the woman takes the position of assisting the man in his calling. The fundamental question of all wives should be, “How can I help my husband be all that God has called him to be?” In the same way, you become a daughter of Eve, who gives life to her husband by helping him as you become suitable for him.
· But God did not create Eve the same way he created Adam. Adam was formed from the dust of the ground. Eve was formed from the side of man. Still made of the same stuff: “Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” equal to him as a counterpart. Yet, the fact that he was created first and she was made from him also indicates his headship over her. In fact, when discussing male authority in the church, Paul appeals to this very fact in 1 Timothy 2:13. When he says that a woman is not to exercise authority over a man, it is because “Adam was formed first, then Eve.” Similarly, in 1 Corinthians 11, Paul argues that women ought to have a symbol of authority on their head “for man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man” (1 Cor 11:9-10). There is profound and convicting wisdom there—many women look at their husbands as existing to serve their every whim and need, when Paul says that you should look at it the opposite way. Women, you were created for your husbands. The husband is the head of his wife.
· He is also her head because he names her. In the OT, naming is both a function of describing someone’s purpose, as well as establishing authority. Adam has authority over the animals by virtue of the fact that he names them. So also, when the man names his wife woman, he is establishing his authority over her. In some way, this is still reflected today when a woman takes a man’s last name at marriage—thereby she submits herself tangibly to his headship.
The fall does not change this. The fall introduces difficulty into this relationship, but it does not undo this relationship. When God speaks to the woman after the fall, in Genesis 3:16, he says, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” The primary area of difficulty for a wife is to align herself with her husband’s headship, just as the primary area of difficulty for a husband is to be gentle with his wife. Sin has disrupted this relationship, but not destroyed it. And it is through the possession of the Holy Spirit that it is restored. God recreates wives to be what they were created to be. As Paul says, “The husband is the head of his wife,” which is why wives must submit to their husbands.
IV. The Picture – Christ is the Head of the Church
Yet, there is a second reason why a wife submits to her husband. Not only must she do so because of the creation order, but also because of redemption. She not only submits to her husband because she is a new creation in Christ. She also submits to her husband because marriage was always intended to present a picture of Christ’s relationship to his church. “even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.”
We mentioned this at the beginning but see it again briefly. We see the same thing in 5:31-32. A mystery—something unrevealed before, but now revealed through the Apostles and prophets—is that marriage was always designed to point toward Christ’s relationship to his church. Just as Christ is the head of the church, husbands are the head of their wife. And just as the church submits to Christ, wives must submit to their husbands.
In other words, marriage is a living parable. Marriage is the story we tell every day about Christ’s redeeming work. Marriage is redemption’s motion picture. It is a sermon about redemption. Marriage is a metaphor. When we play the proper parts, when we order our marriages according to God’s good design, we display the glory of Christ in saving his people.
Which means, fundamentally, marriage is not about you. It isn’t about you getting your way, or gaining companionship, or curing loneliness, or making your life better, or any of that. It is about the glory of Christ. The most fundamental motivation for submission is this: I want to make Christ look great in the way I treat my husband.
What does a marriage like this say about Christ? He is the Savior of the body! He has saved his church! How did he do that? Verse 25: he loves her, he gave himself up for her, he sanctifies her with his word, he desires to present her to himself spotless and without blemish. He is her Savior! And therefore, because Christ has so loved the church, the church responds with warm, tenderhearted, submissive love and obedience to him. This is the picture we paint when we follow Christ’s plan for marriage. The wife models that same tenderhearted love by the way she treats her husband with respect and follows his leadership.
Of course, sin gets in the way. Husbands take advantage of that. We use our position of authority for our advantage. we use it for selfish purposes and treat their wives like automobiles rather than the glorious, image-bearers they are. And we make it easier for our wives to point to our Savior when we act like the Savior did. But for wives, this should be a motivation to you to continue to submit, even when your husband takes advantage of his authority for selfish gain. It isn’t about you. It’s about Christ.
V. The Extent – In Everything
Finally, look briefly at the extent of a wife’s submission. It is “in everything.” This doesn’t mean in absolutely everything. The husband’s desires and word is not her law. God’s law is her standard. Therefore, if the husband would require her to sin, or to violate her conscience, then she has no obligation to submit to him in that way. A husband’s authority is not absolute. He does not make the rules for her. Rather, he receives his authority from God and God puts parameters around how he is supposed to implement that authority. When he transgresses those parameters, he violates the principle of his office and forfeits divine sanction. A wife need not obey a husband who would lead her into sin.
What then does it mean? It means a comprehensive submission. It means there is no part of her life that she withholds for herself. There is no sense in which she reserves autonomy and self-government. She gives it all over to him. Her time, her money, her body, her children, her abilities, her intellect, her desires, every part of her life she submits willingly to him.
Why? Because that’s what we ought to do to Christ! The church submits to Christ in everything! As a church, there is no part of our life that we are to withhold from Jesus. We don’t say, “I’ll give you X dollars, and so many hours of my week, and just these relationships, and only half my affections.” We don’t give ourselves to Christ in pieces and parcels. We give ourselves over to him wholesale. He gets the whole package. All of us. True faith says, “It’s all yours! All my time, energy, money, health, family, relationships, desires, everything! Take it! I submit it all to you!” In everything we submit to Christ.
So also, a wife submits to her husband. Everything in her life she glad heartedly puts under his watch care. And so there is no part where he steps in and says, “I would prefer we did it this way,” where her response is, “That’s none of your business.” And when we do that, we show that Christ is worthy of all our obedience.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I want to introduce you to a woman named Idelette. Idelette was a quiet, beautiful, unassuming, cheerful, and soberminded woman. The daughter of a Baptist preacher she was married to a man named Jean Stordeur. They had a son and a daughter. Their family had fled from Romanist persecution to Strasburg where they found refuge. While Jean and Idelette attended a French speaking church in Strasburg, Idelette began to show signs of a developed Christian maturity, as one person commented, in accord with Colossians 3:12: “kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering, forbearing one another, and forgiving one another.”
Jean’s death was a profound blow to Idelette. She suffered her own hardships, particularly from health. Yet she remained faithful and humble under her sufferings. Shortly after her husbands death, she began to be courted by the preacher of the church they went to, who noticed her precisely because of her gentle godliness. Even his friends would ask him, “What about the gentle Idelette?” A few months later, August 17, 1540, Idelette van Buren married John Calvin and became his help-meet.
As one biographer says, Calvin found marriage to Idelette “a special experience of joy.” Marriage to them was not a cold contract or rational agreement, but a “true and solid bond of love and loyalty.” Under the extremely heavy burden of his teaching and pastoral schedule (sometimes teaching/preaching up to 10 times a week!) and bearing great physical suffering because of it, Idelette was a companion to him. She was a confidant, counselor, and sounding board. She supported him during fiery controversy with Rome and with Geneva—a church which he was loath to return to because of how they treated him before. She carried his burdens and helped him as she never shrank from her duties for the sake of her own comfort and ease. She was committed to his success in his preaching and ministry. It is hard to think whether Calvin could have accomplished what he did without her—commentaries on most books of the bible, preaching through the entire bible except Revelation, producing innumerable letters, and his greatest work, the Institutes of the Christian Religion.
Idelette was to die 9 years later in 1549 from steadily declining health, no doubt to the stresses that came along with Calvin’s ministry. On her deathbed, she prayed, “O God of Abraham and of all our fathers, the faithful in all generations have trusted in Thee, and none have ever been confounded. I also will hope.” She entered glory with Calvin at her side, speaking together of the joys of their nine earthly years together and the glory she would soon enter.
After her passing, Calvin would write to a friend: “I have been bereaved of the best companion of my life, of one who, had it been so ordered, would not only have been the willing sharer of my exile and poverty, but even of my death. During her life she was the faithful helper of my ministry. From her I never experienced the slightest hindrance.”
May the Lord give to the women of our church the grace to follow in her steps.